This is so gross I had to share:

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at
the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If
you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to
the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was
shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

I love sick humor.

Thanks for the laugh!

Now that's what I call funny!

Feel free to add your own!

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, scroll down to see answer below.













Get your drunk "behind" off the merry-go-round

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"



I had a picture to go with this that I saw the other day... when I tried to get it off the 'Net here at work, I got this message...

Oh well... probably for the best.


http://216.77.188.54/coDataImages/p/Groups/259/259287/folders/277684/2232889Websense.jpg

A whole lot of years ago there was a bar called the Deptford Tavern in NJ. Every night after work (I was an F&I mgr) I would go to this tavern for my normal Manhattan. Now picture this guy in a suit and tie and everyone else is in jeans and silk shirts (early 80's).

Any rate..Its a thursday and it's "The worst Joke of The Night Contest". You get up, tell a joke and get a balloon with a GJ or BJ on it.(Good Joke or Bad Joke)

So needless to say after a few Manhattans and a couple shots of tequila (cant do that anymore) I told 2 jokes, one Italian and one Polish. I get 2 ballons..one BJ and one GJ.

Now after a wee bit Im in the bathroom doing what guys do best (the place is packed) and I hear behind me.."Funny Guy arent Ya" (true NJ voice)...I thought nothing of it since the place is so crowded and again I hear.."Funny Guy arent Ya?".......I turn around and theres this guy about 6'6 280 lbs, I look up and says it again "Funny guy arent ya...Heard you telling your jokes...I'm Polish and I dont like it!"

Now here I am, suit and just a weeeeee bit smaller (and drunk)...So I say.."Look guy..I APOLOGIZE!!!!...I was just telling a joke..I even told an Italian joke and I'm a Dego".. "I am sooooo sorry"

So I start to walk away........

He grabs my arm...Throws me against the wall and pulls out a RAZOR!!!





Lucky for me me he has no place to plug it in........ wah wah wah....

nice russ!!!

lol Ty ty ty

Ok, a guy goes into a two seater outhouse. One seat is already taken and he goes to sit on the other. As he does so a quarter falls out of his pocket and drops into the hole. He stands back up looks down the hole, takes out his wallet, pulls out a $20 and throws it down the hole. The other guy says "what the heck did you do that for?" He answers, "you didn't think I'd go down there for a quarter did you?"

A man pulls up to a 4-way stop and slows just enough to look to the left, to the right and back to the left again before he drives thru the intersection.

He drives a bit further before he notices a patrol car following him with its lights on. He pulls over, and the patrol cars stops behind him.

He rolls down his window as the officer reaches his car and says,
"Afternoon, Officer. Why'd ya pull me over? I was only going the speed limit."

"Yes, sir. But you failed to come to a complete stop back there at the stop sign".

The man quickly replies, "But I slowed down and looked both ways. Nobody was coming. There wasn't any need for me to stop".

Rolling his chin and fixing him with a cool stare.
"Sir, the law requires you to come to a complete stop at all intersections marked with a stop sign. You failed to stop. I'll need to see your license, now".

Flustered, the man blurts out, "But I slowed down. Nobody was coming! There wasn't any need to stop!! WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"

"Step out of the vehicle, Sir"

Increasingly agitated, the man complies and gets out of his car. The officer starts beating him with his night stick.

"Now, Sir. Would you like me to slow down? Or would you like me to stop?"

A whole lot of years ago there was a bar called the Deptford Tavern in NJ. Every night after work (I was an F&I mgr) I would go to this tavern for my normal Manhattan. Now picture this guy in a suit and tie and everyone else is in jeans and silk shirts (early 80's).

Any rate..Its a thursday and it's "The worst Joke of The Night Contest". You get up, tell a joke and get a balloon with a GJ or BJ on it.(Good Joke or Bad Joke)

So needless to say after a few Manhattans and a couple shots of tequila (cant do that anymore) I told 2 jokes, one Italian and one Polish. I get 2 ballons..one BJ and one GJ.

Now after a wee bit Im in the bathroom doing what guys do best (the place is packed) and I hear behind me.."Funny Guy arent Ya" (true NJ voice)...I thought nothing of it since the place is so crowded and again I hear.."Funny Guy arent Ya?".......I turn around and theres this guy about 6'6 280 lbs, I look up and says it again "Funny guy arent ya...Heard you telling your jokes...I'm Polish and I dont like it!"

Now here I am, suit and just a weeeeee bit smaller (and drunk)...So I say.."Look guy..I APOLOGIZE!!!!...I was just telling a joke..I even told an Italian joke and I'm a Dego".. "I am sooooo sorry"

So I start to walk away........

He grabs my arm...Throws me against the wall and pulls out a RAZOR!!!





Lucky for me me he has no place to plug it in........ wah wah wah....


Where are you from. I grew up in Deptford Twp, NJ.

Grew up in Cherry Hill...Camden County, moved to Mayslanding, Cape May County.

Do you remember when the Deptford Mall had the Deptford Tavern in it?????

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.

"Great, just great", I muttered.

The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at
me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and
walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"

Do you remember when the Deptford Mall had the Deptford Tavern in it?????

Small world. I was born in Camden and grew up in Deptford. Moved to Metro ATL in 95. Yes I do remember that. In fact I was the guy with the razor. LOL

Me too...Born at Our Lady of Lords lol

A whole lot of years ago there was a bar called the Deptford Tavern in NJ. Every night after work (I was an F&I mgr) I would go to this tavern for my normal Manhattan. Now picture this guy in a suit and tie and everyone else is in jeans and silk shirts (early 80's).

Any rate..Its a thursday and it's "The worst Joke of The Night Contest". You get up, tell a joke and get a balloon with a GJ or BJ on it.(Good Joke or Bad Joke)

So needless to say after a few Manhattans and a couple shots of tequila (cant do that anymore) I told 2 jokes, one Italian and one Polish. I get 2 ballons..one BJ and one GJ.

Now after a wee bit Im in the bathroom doing what guys do best (the place is packed) and I hear behind me.."Funny Guy arent Ya" (true NJ voice)...I thought nothing of it since the place is so crowded and again I hear.."Funny Guy arent Ya?".......I turn around and theres this guy about 6'6 280 lbs, I look up and says it again "Funny guy arent ya...Heard you telling your jokes...I'm Polish and I dont like it!"

Now here I am, suit and just a weeeeee bit smaller (and drunk)...So I say.."Look guy..I APOLOGIZE!!!!...I was just telling a joke..I even told an Italian joke and I'm a Dego".. "I am sooooo sorry"

So I start to walk away........

He grabs my arm...Throws me against the wall and pulls out a RAZOR!!!





Lucky for me me he has no place to plug it in........ wah wah wah....


Okay..Good one Russ you got me..I was feeding into that..Now ppl at work are wanting to know why I died laughing at 7:00 am on a Monday..

I can give you a GJ balloon on that one..

Its funny when you tell that joke they get all into it, mostly because they dont think its a joke...Then when you hit them with the razor theres like a delay reaction....ty

There was a man standing on the side of the road holding a sign that said "WILL WORK FOR FOOD"





so I gave him a coconut.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking."


"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."


"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"


"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Creation of woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, ‘Lord, I have a problem.’

‘What’s the problem, Adam?’, God replies…

‘Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy’

‘Why is that, Adam?’, comes the reply from the heavens.

‘Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.’

‘Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.’

‘What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?’

‘This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.’, replies the heavenly voice.

‘Sounds great.’

‘She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.’

‘How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?’, Adam replies.

‘She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.’

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, ‘Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?’

I wish my jokes could be cleaned up to post but they wouldnt be funny. I was born in Woodbury NJ by the way

An old couple went to the doctor-it was time for his yearly check-up

The doctor comes in-and tells the hard of hearing elderly man-"I'm gonna need a urine, stool, and sperm sample."

"What'd he say?" asks the old man to his wife-

"He needs your underwear!" She replies

What do u call a Blonde with a runny nose?



























FULL !

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one looks up to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

I wish my jokes could be cleaned up to post but they wouldnt be funny. I was born in Woodbury NJ by the way

I was a salesman at Swenson Chevrolet in Westville a LOT of years ago and Finance Mgr at Ace Ford in Woodbury, also a LOT of years ago ")

Nice old town...has gone a lil down hill...gloucester is coming through lol

There are some bad jokes going on in here...

what did cinderella say when she for to the ball




Cough choke cough

What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

























Decaffeinated

What do you call a cow with no legs?



















Ground beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes?






















No eye-deer (idea- pronounced with a thick southern accent)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?





















Still no idear!

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no d*ck?
























Still no f*ckin' idear!

bryan your jokes are really dry ...add some water to them

Hey, they go over great when everyone is drunk!

Cat lovers everywhere unite!

Cat lovers everywhere unite!

I saw this last year and thought I was going to die laughing.

The Mother Superior called all her nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."



"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b!tch he's runnin' around with."

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "Youre the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " im 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown. The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said Im 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown. The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. For a minute there, I thought you said turn around.

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "Youre the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " im 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown. The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said Im 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown. The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. For a minute there, I thought you said turn around.
Ok...I know Ive been sick and the day has been long...I dont get it..

"16'' and nameis Turner Brown, he thought he said turn around"

Ahhhhhhhh :doh:

I need a drink sooooo bad lol

:doh: ahh hah